Le xxxx-ing

The pressure is on. One sister has suggested I submit something to the Guardian, the other has posted the words “read my sister’s very funny blog” on Facebook and added the address for those curious to have a peek. My reader numbers are averaging out at 50 a day (who? where? why?). I now feel that I’ve got something to live up to and it’s making me eat chocolate. I had a look at the Guardian website and read the Contributor’s Guide and Freelance Charter and had to run to the loo halfway through. Scary indeed, taking things seriously. Ten days ago it was just a laugh, a personal writing exercise which only my Dad was reading. Now it feels like the entire world is waiting for the next day’s installment, pushing me to come out in publishing glory, pounding on my door and shouting at me to rise to the occasion. But maybe I should calm down. Those comments did, after all, come from my dear sisters who clearly love me more than I imagined (I already knew they liked me a lot as I’ve had 37 years of generous presents sent across the seas plus hand-me-down designer jeans, but this is proof beyond all doubt) and are clearly heavily biased, reading my words through rose-tinted Gucci sunglasses. In fact, maybe they’re solely responsable for sending my blog statistics soaring up up and up; maybe they peek in fifty times a day on purpose to make me feel good.

Anyway, I’m wiped tonight so this isn’t going to last long. Just to rectify a wee error in yesterday’s entry : the phrase “c’est tendance” in fact doesn’t draw on the English word tendance (1/to attend to the sick, 2/ servants)  but on the French one, which does indeed mean “trend”. However, this doesn’t excuse them for using a noun as an adjective. At least we bung a “y” on the end of our nouns to transform them into useful descriptions. The French don’t bother, they just say “It’s trend”. But I am diverging into dangerous Extremely Dull territory so I shall make a sharp turn and inform you of my latest discovery in the way of French Englishisms – definitely the worst yet – I am having to bite my duvet to write this in order to stop me biting the dog instead. It was my neighbour who let me in on this odious, warped phrase which apparently is now storming Paris as I write. Not the neighbour with the shoe thing (see Sole Man), the other one, but I can’t write anything about him as he speaks rather good English and may find my blog). Anyway, here we go, the phrase to kill an entire army of sensitive British souls … “le fooding”. I know, I know, it’s horrible. Distressing. Excruciatingly painful. Like waxing a bikini line.  And what does it mean? – I asked my neighbour. It’s the title given to a new trend in France, that of eating fast yet gourmet food. Or gourmet yet fast food. In short, foie gras pointy sandwiches and salted caramel pretzels and other such gastronomic treats that took as much time as it’s taken you to read this far, to put together. I googled “le fooding” and discovered that it’s a huge movement. There’s even a site : http://www.lefooding.com which talks about la semaine du fooding, le grand fooding, wine et fooding (I know, I know – breath deeply and maybe get yourself a glass of water) and each time the word fooding is written, it’s followed by a little copywrite sign. Amazing. Someone said the word and then copywrote it. I’m clearly breaking some kind of rule having written the word at least twenty times without its accompanying R-in-a-circle but I actually don’t know where to find that on my keyboard and in any case I don’t care. But it’s all very spooky. And the front page runs an article entitled “Les tables les plus feeling de nos campagnes” – translated: “The most ‘feeling’ tables of the countryside” and thus I discover that the word “feeling” is also being used in totally the wrong context by a zillion French people. What words will they crush and crumple next? On another site, “lefoodingdamour.com” which happens to be in English as it appears to have been set up for a gastronomic event between Paris and New York, the source of le fooding is revealed :

“Le Fooding”? Born in 2000. In Paris. On the seventh floor of Radio Nova, in the rush to meet an article deadline. “Food” + “ing” to make food rhyme with feeling… A barbaric gerund in English. An outrage in French.”

So there you have it. But I don’t agree that the French think it’s an outrage – they adore the concept and they adore the word and before long we will be forced to say that we too fancy a bit of fooding.

So I thought I’d make up a word too : le dicking. The French will surely jump at this as they haven’t yet created an “ing” word to refer to sex. “Ah oui, j’adore faire le dicking”, “Il est très bon au dicking”. But that does imply a willy would be involved which, let’s face it, is not always the case. So maybe “le bonking” would be better. “Voulez vous faire du bonking avec moi ce soir?” Nah, I prefer le dicking®.

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