Spiderman doesn’t wear pants.

“Mummy, why other boys in my school say Speeeederman and me say Spiderman?”

“Because they’re French, honey.”

“They is stupid?”

“No sweetie, they’re just French.”

“French is stupid?”

“No … well, sometimes … I mean some French people can sometimes act stupidly, just like some English people can be stupid sometimes.”

“Daddy is stupid sometimes.”

“What do you mean?”

“When Daddy is being in bad mood and very grumpy, you say ‘stupid man’. Mummy, Stupidman is like Spiderman?”

“No, honey …”

“Stupidman is Spiderman friend?”

“Erm … ”

“Me like Spiderman. Spiderman is my friend. Mummy, me can put my Spiderman costume?”

“It’s really hot today honey, you’ll melt if you put it on.”

“Me not melt.”

“You’ll be too hot, darling.”

“No Mummy, me promise me not be too hot. Me promise you.”

“Okay, fine, but if you’re too hot you take it off.”

Tommy goes to the dressing up box and pulls out his synthetic, skin-tight, all-in-one Spiderman costume. It used to have gloves attached to the ends of the sleeves but they got so skanky they became hygienically unsound, so I cut them off, much to mini-Spiderman’s horror. He reacted so badly I felt like I’d cut his actual hands off. He goes into his ‘changing room’ (behind the sofa) and a few minutes later comes out naked.

“Mummy, you can help me?”

“Honey, you need to at least wear your pants* underneath the costume.”

(*for those American readers, pants = underpants)

“No Mummy. Spiderman not wear pants.”

“Yes he does.”

“No Mummy. No pants.”

“Then no Spiderman costume.”

“But me want be like Spiderman!”

“You will be just like Spiderman.”

“BUT MUMMY, SPIDERMAN NO WEAR PANTS!”

I take a breath. “He does. I know he does.”

“How you know, Mummy?”

“Well … I just know. I can see he wears pants underneath his costume.”

“Me no can see. Where you see?”

Tommy brings me his Spiderman cartoon CD which is smothered in pictures of Spiderman in various positions of painful looking contortion. His costume really is skin tight, but there is not a panty-line in sight. He clearly must wear something to hold all his bits together, maybe a G-string; his packet is neatly welded into a mound of almost nothingness. In fact, he can’t have much in there. Maybe that’s why he became Spiderman – to prove his manhood. So why then choose to wear an outfit that wouldn’t look out of place on Jennifer Lopez?  Or even Jane Fonda? Surely it would be better to hide the fact he didn’t have much in the way of Christmas baubles? And how can I explain all this to Tommy who is three and a half years old?

“Honey, just believe me. Spiderman does wear pants. And even if he didn’t, I would still make you wear pants underneath your costume. Otherwise your bottom and willy will get too hot and sweaty and it might start to hurt. Spiderman doesn’t live in a hot place like the south of France. But you do. Okay?”

“Okay Mummy. Me understand.”

“Do you?” I am surprised and thrilled that he has accepted my argument so easily. “Good boy. Now put your pants on and I will help you do your costume up at the back.” Tommy pulls his pants on and squirms his way into his Spiderman costume.

“Mummy, and Stupidman?”

“What about Stupidman?”

“Stupidman wear pants too?”

“I don’t know, sweetie.”

“Me ask Daddy.”

“Good idea.”

I am counting on the fact that L’Homme won’t know what on earth Tommy is talking about.

Surely he must wear pants? It all seems to be held in pretty snugly.

Ah - I shall show this to Tommy as proof. Although I will have to find a good explanation for the hot half-undressed blonde in a g-string.

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4 thoughts on “Spiderman doesn’t wear pants.

  1. Pingback: Lost in Twitter | Tales from a village in the Ardeche

  2. I think you did an excellent job. It would have been much harder trying to explain that super heroes don’t get chafing, and that they can therefore go commando.

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