I just went on Amazon to order a couple of books and discovered I already had 13 items in my shopping basket. Odd. I don’t remember choosing anything recently. So I clicked on the basket button to see what was going on and there lined up on the left-hand side of my screen were : Pirate Hats (pack of 4), Pirate Flag Picks, Plastic Pirate Skull & Crossbones Bunting (6 metres), Pirate Party Bag Fillers, Buccaneer Coins and Jewellery Pouch (with plastic contents), Pirate Treasure Map, Pirate Coin Bag, Pirate Sticker Book, Mini Pirate Telescope, Pirate Eyepatch, Pirate Tattoos (pack of 24), Inflatable Parrot Fancy Dress Accessory and last but definitely not least, The Captain Jack Sparrow Handbook: A Guide to Swashbuckling with the Pirates of the Caribbean.
“Tommy! TOMMY! Have you been on my computer?”
Tommy comes prancing into the living room dressed in his current everyday outfit : a red flouncy pirate shirt, a bandana, a pirate hat, beaded necklaces, and a yellow belt with a wooden sword, a treasure map and some wool jammed into it. He is 4 and a half.
“Yes, Mummy. I see Jack Sparrow and one parrot and a treasure chest de pirates.”
“Yes, and did you click on a yellow button on the screen?”
“My buyed all the things.”
“Yes, I thought so. Honey, you can’t just go and buy whatever you want on internet. Thank goodness you didn’t actually buy all that stuff. We don’t have enough money to buy stuff everyday.”
“Yes Mummy, I have money. Look. Is my pirate money.” And out of his jeans pocket comes a small leather purse. I open it. It is crammed full of centimes (euro ones and old franc centimes), UK pennies, a dollar coin and a 100 rouble banknote (worth about £2). “See Mummy? So I buy all the things.”
“Yes, but this won’t actually pay for all those things. You need 50€ to pay for all those things. We can’t go spending 50€ here and there on toys and stuff. We don’t have that much money now.”
“Why we not have much money?”
“Because I’m not working at the moment – I’m staying at home to look after you and Léonie, which means I’m not earning any money. So we don’t have very much nowadays.”
“So Mummy, you must do a show and get much money and buy lots and lots of things.”
“Yes sweetie, I would love to do a show and earn a ton of money and buy lots of things, but it’s not possible at the moment, unless Martin Scorsese or Stephen Frears or Woody Allen happen to come wandering through the hills and stumble across me defreezing the water pipes in the garden with a hairdryer, and think “now SHE is just what I need in my forthcoming film – a 39 year old mother with awful hair and tired eyes who knows how to handle an electrical appliance in a crisis.” It’s just not going to happen darling.”
“Then I going to find treasure in the valley.”
“Please do. Oh, and don’t play on my computer again without asking me.”
“I asking you. I want look at Jack Sparrow book and you say yes.”
And he is right. This morning I had been looking at the Pirates of the Caribbean Guide seeing as Tommy just saw the first film and is now mad crazy bonkers about Captain Jack Sparrow. He now wants to grow his hair long, have a beard, sail the Caribbean and wear black eyeliner. So I thought the book might gain me hours and hours of peace as he thumbed through it. He saw it on my screen and wanted to have a better look. While I was busy changing a nappy/flicking a frozen dog poo out of the garden/discovering the diabetic cat we’re looking after had pissed on at least three mattresses in the storeroom (yes, my life is just one crazy party of wee and poo at the moment), Tommy must have clicked on the other pirate things on the screen which in turn presented him with more pirate things and so on and so on. At least he didn’t click on “proceed to check-out”, “dispatch to this address” and “confirm payment”. They’re all little yellow buttons so he could easily have just ordered the lot and had it sent via express delivery.
Today he has gone to his school’s lottery afternoon, dressed as Jack Sparrow of course. I hope he wins some decent treasure.