There is a big difference between being a mummy the first time and being a mummy this second time round. Most people say things like “oh, the second baby is easier”, or “she’s a girl – much less work” or “you have got used to living in a teeny tiny village of bumpkin pensioners who still count in francs and think that Mitterand is president of France and go around rubbing turnips on their knees to cure arthritis.” But they are all wrong. The reason things are so much easier this time around is thanks to a hardcore cocktail of drugs I consume on a daily basis. I look forward to it so much that I get a blast of pure joy at the thought of taking it; a glittering, chemical reaction in my brain and body at the blissful knowledge that soon, around half-past ten/eleven o’clock in the morning, I will be high on coffee. GIVE ME COFFEE. Strong Italian coffee with frothy milk. And another one after lunch please. WITH DARK CHOCOLATE. Lindt 70%. These two hits a day keep me happy, no matter what. The kids can be screaming, wiping Nutella on the dog, wrapping sellotape around my ankles and hitting each other with sticks, the laundry can be blown into the valley, the pipes can burst, the roof can collapse, wild boar can eat my roses, my bank account can hit an all-time low thus spinning into a negative time warp black hole and sucking all hopes of going shopping into a space vacuum … but when I know coffee and chocolate are soon to be mine, all is well. Life’s a gas. The sun’s coming out, look. Try it. They’re bloody fantastic drugs. And I am happily hooked.