Ten Easy Steps…

Well. I have discovered a totally new way to thoroughly depress oneself…

… Work on a solo show for small children, entirely on your own, in a barn.

This breaks down into small steps, each of which efficiently beaks your spirit until you are nothing but a gibbering wreck lying in the foetal position on the cold floor.

1/ hole oneself up in your barn for a few hours a day, on ones own, with no real direction, just a pair of huge green flippers, some jam jars and some water.

2/ find some stuff you think could be good, or potentially good, ie. some mini-scenes to develop, based on music, rhythm, funny fish/frog dances.

3/ go round in circles with your mini-scenes and wonder what made you think they were any good in the first place. Start to think it’s all just a big pile of poo.

4/ make sure nobody in your close circle of family/friends is even vaguely interested and/or shows the slightest bit of encouragement and/or asks any questions whatsoever.

5/ go and look at websites of other shows for small children. Especially this site which has a selection of beautiful little shows, most of them as duets.

6/ long to work with someone else, not all on your own.

7/ go back to your (now damp, cos it’s been raining) ‘rehearsal room’, on your own and go over what you’ve been ‘working’ on for the last few days.

8/ realise it is total and utter shit and not at all adapted for tiny children in the first place.

9/ decide you should start all over again but then hear your toddler waking up (NB: you are slightly relieved as this is a good excuse not to battle on with your pile of shit).

10/ Try to talk about this situation in which you are forced to create your own little show for kids with an insensitive partner who has nothing to say on the matter except “all your friends in the theatre world couldn’t care less otherwise they’d have offered you some work by now”. When you sarcastically (and shakily) try to defend yourself with “maybe I’m not such a great actress then”, your partner replies “maybe”.

There you go. Ten Easy Steps to Deep Depression and a Broken Spirit. I have tried and tested them. They definitely work.

Back to the green flippers and jam jars of water. Gosh, how original of me.


3 thoughts on “Ten Easy Steps…

  1. I remember turning to Kester Lovelace at the Odeon, and saying these words – ‘she just seems so at home up there.’ The she in question was you dearest Harrison Bullett.

    • What do you imagine a man named “Kester Lovelace” to look like/be like? Tell me and I will then reveal all. I should open this game up to all my readers and then award a prize. Maybe a night out with Kester Lovelace himself.

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